To Life

Life is such a curious thing. It is everything to us. It is the harbinger of all the pain and suffering that we will ever feel. Yet is also the bearer of all joy as well. Each life is different in some respects and almost identical in others. I suppose this is where the snow flake analogy “each life is unique when examined up close, but the all blend together when looked at a distance, like snow” would come into play.

            The element that is varying from human to human, although necessary, I not the focus of this, but rather the human variable in us all. The X and Y in the human formula. Some dedicate their lives to pursuing the pleasures of this world. Others tend to seek the material wealth of the Earth. Many choose the path of love as their own, and seek nothing more than a partner to help them through life. Some Pursue knowledge and others take it away, while myriads more seek salvation and enlightenment.

            As for myself, I seek one thing above all others, though has hopeless a quest it may be. This thing I seek is perfection or what I understand is the meaning of the word. As I have stated in previous writings that I admire the symbol of a machine, its cold calculating perfection unhampered by petty morality or distorting emotions. This unchanging perfection is such a beautiful thought to me, so much so that I meditate on it daily. However it is impossible for me to see such a goal for myself. I am after all only human and as a result need human things like emotion, companionship, life. This brings us back to where we started, and though I will never see my concept of perception in this life, I will still learn to enjoy the human in me the best I can.    

Schools End

So the time has finally arrived. After twelve long years of toil and test I have made it to the final hurtle. I know that it has not been easy these past years, filled with long nights of work and study, of solitude and contemplation. Obviously I am glad to finally see the fruits of my labor come into fruition, but in many ways I am also sad to see it come. For as much of a loner I am I have formed Bonds with my class, however fleeting they may be.

            Even the people I do not like in even the most remote way or have never met or spoken to have become something of a part of my daily routine. I am not saying that I will miss them because the simple truth is that I will not, but I will notice their absence and will find it strange. However for the majority of the people I know I will miss them for one reason or another. It could be some particular brand of humor they carry with them, an attitude, the way the talk, or so many other things, and to know that many of them I will never see or hear from again in this life.

            It is this maelstrom of complex and conflicting human emotions that I find so strange about the ritual of graduation. We should all feel nothing but pure elation for the first major success of our adult lives, and yet there is the slight shade of melancholy the haunts the background of the whole ceremony. And the feelings are not weak. As stated above even I feel their effects, and I have been training my mind to suppress such emotional responses for years.

            But I digress; soon I will take what may be my final walk through the halls of Holbrook High School. And while I am doing so I shall allow myself a smile, and will laugh to myself as I drift from hall to hall and Remember My time here.

Collage

       As the year draws to its end many are deciding what to do with their life. Some will stay, others will go as far as they can, and some will go to college. I fall in that last category, and is it frustrating. It has been months since school started, yet I feel as though I have done nothing to prepare. I know some schools like NAU have already accepted me, and many would love to see me attend. But the economic aspect of the whole situation is a bit overwhelming. I am still waiting on the scholarships I signed up for to give word back. The whole process is exhausting beyond belief. It seems that every time I open up one of those college websites they are always experiencing technical difficulties, or are having some issue that prevents me from doing the things I need to get done. I still persist because I know it is what is best for me, but it seems like the universe is out to stop me. Just the other day I was paying ASU for one of my transcripts when one of these errors occurred. It would not let me log in to the website with my profile. I even changed the password to something new, and it still told me I had it wrong. I tried for over an hour to get in but eventually gave up in favor of sending the information and money through the mail. It is things like this that really anger me. After all the Colleges as for us o be competent yet they lack even the smallest shred of competency.

I Love the Night

            I do not know when but for years I have felt a strong connection with nighttime. I know some things for certain and the first is that, in my opinion, the night is far more beautiful than the day. Something about that vast sea of cold stars stretching vastly across the infinity of the darkened sky I find far more inspirational than the simple blue sky of day. But I know that what attracts me most to it is the peace. I have mentioned before that I find silence and stillness two of the most wonderful and rare states of being in the world, and usually that is the only time that it is even possible to experience it. So many times on the weekend or when I am frustrated I will go outside and just sit and watch the night sky and the stars in their eternal machinations give me comfort. For most people night is something that they fear and I do not blame them. In ancient times our ancestors used to huddle around camp fires in fear of the darkness and the dangers it hid from view, and from what I have seen this instinctual fear still holds strong in modern man. They can keep their sunny days with bright suns and blue skies, I can suffice just fine with a lambent moon above and the quiet darkness surrounding.      

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Well it’s that special time, one that only happens every few years. You have everyone excited, there’s magic in the air… as well as the sound of old man and women screaming insults at each other over the T.V. twenty four seven. That’s right, it’s an election year. People like always are in a buzz about hoes candidate they are going to vote four, which party they are a part of, and concourse the issues.

            Now some people believe that there is something special about this election that sets it apart from all the others. I however do not believe that this one is any more viral than the previous elections. It is true that we are in an economic down turn, and that many people are worried about the future of the nation. I, however, am not concerned about the state of the Union for a few key reasons.

            The first and foremost being that, in this election the candidates are pushing the same issues that their respective parties have supported in what thirty years. Is there truly anything new that already hasn’t pushed, discussed, and tossed back and forth between both parties in their struggle for power. I do not think so, with the democrats pushing heath care and fairness, and the republicans pushing tax breaks and their own conservative agenda.

             You know I believe that the county would do so much better if we cut the partisan bull and started to work together for a common cause. It’s hard to feel patriotic enough as it is when neither candidate seems particularly exciting and both parties act like enraged groups of toddlers and refuse to compromise in any way. 

Silence

I have never understood the human obsession with noise. I mean I like music as much as anyone, but it seems that no one can simply enjoy the lack of sound. I have noticed that most people cannot handle more than a few moments of absolute quiet without beginning to act uncomfortable. The begin to movie around and interact with the environment or strike a conversation if there is anyone present. But I find myself again and again surprised by how little the human mind can tolerate total quiet. This is proven by how often it was used as a punishment in prisons in the 1800s- early1900's. The reason you do not see this anymore is that it was deemed to inhumane as the extended silence had a tendency to drive prisoners to mind-splitting insanity. I however do not hold this view of the total absence of sound. rather than avoid it like most people do I actively seek it out. To me there is something so beautiful about it. Maybe it is its purity, the fact that sound can be so twisted and chaotic, where as silence is the most pure symbol of order imaginable. There are many times when I will try to find a room in my house where there is no one present, no phones, no electronics, no anything that produces noise and just absorb the quiet. It is not like a meditation, or a time of thinking (although they can become that). It is just sitting there and enjoying the stillness of everything around me. It will be uncomfortable at first, and some of the more energetic and excitable will get bored at first, but I have found that absorbing the silence can become quite the therapeutic and enjoyable experience once you embrace it.     
         

You do not know…

All through our lives we meet people and earn what we can from them before they leave. It has always been as such and always thus will be. However we always seem to take each other and everything we own for granted to such an extent that we forget that it might not be there tomorrow. I learn this message the other day when my aunt Lenny died suddenly early in the morning while cooking breakfast for her family. We were all shocked to hear the news and did not know how to react. We knew that she had heart troubles but had assumed that it was under control.

It was on the day of her funeral that something occurred to me. I was experiencing grief just as everyone else in attendance was, but as I looked around me I saw many classmates, school teachers, and other acquaintances of mine when I had an epiphany. Most of the people there at that funeral, family or not, knew here better that I did. You see our family has been dividend for many years for personal reasons that I will not divulge here. But as a result the last time I saw her alive was back in early grade school, and only recently have we began to mend the problems between us. It was at this that I realized that I was grieving as all of the others attending, but I was grieving for a reason far different from most of the others there. I was grieving not just for her death but also for how little I knew her and all the time that we could have shared together. The old adage is true you do not know what you have until it is gone. So try to spend as much time with those your loved ones as you can. You will never know when they are gone.